The heart of a mother

 Why don't you have kids of your own? 

Do you want kids? 

When are you going to have kids?

These are some of the questions I get from well intentioned people.

And the answer is long and complicated, as it usually is for any 40 year old childless women, especially if she is married.

I guess you could say I have all the raw materials to make a great mom. I was raised in a home that welcomed in foster kids. My parents were present and hands on. My first job was babysitting and from there I went on to work in home daycare with my mom, then a temporary vacation nanny agency, a few typical nanny jobs, 2 decades as a youth leader in my churches and now I'm about to start working my second houseparent job alongside my husband.

I always thought I would adopt, I felt that was the call that God gave me, I never longed to be pregnant like other girls, and while I like a squishy newborn as much as anyone, babies are just not my jam, and when I met my husband, he echoed similar feelings, I always thought we would adopt a few kids and be a family in that typical kind of way, but God had other plans.

Jace and Grace, those are the names I gave to my heavenly children. The two little souls who's life began in my womb.

Both pregnancies had me so confused, I wondered if I had understood God incorrectly, but then when they both ended in miscarriage, I knew I had not. There was sadness, confusion, guilt, relief, anger, and even now I struggle to understand the feelings I have surrounding my two short pregnancies.

I know now, that pof (premature ovarian failure) was likely to blame, a condition that took years to materialize and even more years to diagnose and one I am still learning to understand.

I had just barely began to experience the “symptoms” of pregnancy with both,   I threw up a few meals for  “no reason” , the second time I realized I was pregnant just before mother's day, I sat in church that morning and placed my hand on my belly and wondered what would happen in the months to come, a few days later my body experienced the familiar feelings from my first miscarriage. There was never a sonogram, I never decorated a nursery or bought baby clothes, both miscarriages happened in the first trimester. 

God has a perfect plan for my life, I hope I have done an ok job of listening and following, but it doesn't make it easy, it doesn't mean I don't grieve the life I thought I would have, or that I don't long to have someone call me mom.

I have done all the mom stuff, over the years, but just with other people's children, ones that belong to me only for a moment. 

I know my story is not over, I could live another 40 years and maybe there is another bend in the road that will lead me to children who I can call my own, but maybe not. 

Perhaps my sweet kitties will be the only babies who I will “raise” and I do love them so deeply and thank God for the love he placed inside me for cats and kittens. I often ponder that on a very small and imperfect scale, the overwhelming love I feel for all felines, is similar to the love God has for us, his children. No matter the situation, no matter the life circumstances, no matter the choices made, broken or whole, God looks at each face, and feels overwhelming love. 

I look forward to heaven for so many many reasons, it is the destination we were all created for, but for me, beside the people I loved here on earth, who I can't wait to see again, I look forward to the day I will meet the two children that God raised in heaven for me. I can not wait to spend eternity getting to know them. They have lived a perfect life, free from pain and forever in the presence of God, in the most perfect place. 

That is my story, as of today. 

It was once prophesied over me that I had the heart of a mother, and looking back over the last 40 years of my life, I think it does a pretty good job of explaining a lot of my journey. 

A new Chapter

Ok. I have sat down to write this many times now and deleted the whole thing to start over. Why? Because I am going to get personal and venerable all while trying not to overshare. 

I was so afraid for the last few months, that the next Big Announcement from me would be to tell the world my marriage was over, after 10 years. 

It's been a really hard, emotional, stressful last 6 months. BUT I am happy to say that I am NOT announcing that. We've worked past the breaking point, we are being intentional and trying our hardest to communicate in real and honest ways. 

But we decided that our current fulltime job+ fill time ministry, with all it's stress and unpredictability weas too much for us in this season. 

When we first started talking about leaving Sunshine acres, we wrestled with it a bit because we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God was the one who brought us here and it felt like we would be giving up. However we know God would never ask us to stay somewhere at the cost of our marraige. 

And so, we began our search. Honestly we were mostly looking for tech jobs for Tim and I was planning to find a job when ever we landed wherever that Job took us BUT our path led us somewhere else. To another Children's home, which may sound like a bad idea if the houseparent job was too stressful for us but this one has a lighter schedule and a totally different set up and we won't be living on campus, so the job will be more like a "normal" job, and allow a bit more space to do what we need to do. 

I want to honor what we did these last 4 years, the life we built here, the friends we made, the community we were a part of. 

This place changed us in so many ways (for the better) and I hope we have made some kind of positive change to this place as well. 

There is honestly nowhere like it and there are so so many good things here, and so many good people. I will miss so much of it. 

I will miss. - driving a golf cart around everywhere, 

my hot tub, 

the food pantry and dining hall, 

the houseparent chats by the park while the kids play, 

the kids I've grown to love over the years, 

bedtime prayers with them, 

the ladies in the front office who are always happy to see me and ready to chat, 

the friendships I've built, 

I will miss the amazing Arizona sunsets, 

and seeing cactus everywhere, 

I'll miss living near a Jamba Juice, 

I'll miss being just one flight from my Oregon family. 

I'll miss the holiday get togethers with the family that lives here. ...

I want to thank each and every one of you who sat with me, cried with me and prayed with me (or for me) over the last few months as we walked through the tough stuff, you will never know what it meant to feel I was not alone in that fight. 

I can honestly say that God is working in our relationship in new ways and we are growing together, I pray this next chapter will allow us an opportunity to minister in new ways, to new people. And I welcome your prayers as we pack up our lives, say our goodbyes and embark on a new chapter.

As we move to St Augustine Florida, at the end of February, Pray that God will place the right people in our lives, and that we will remain open and willing to hear his direction and follow where he leads us. 

10 year anniversary

 As a teen I dreamed of the man I would marry, I had all kinds of ideas of how our marriage would be and how our lives would go. I entered my 20’s eager and ready to meet and marry the man that God had for me. But I didn’t meet him until I was 29. 

I used to joke with friends that 29 isn’t old, but 29 and single is REALLY old, needless to say I was very ready to get married and start my “real” adult life. 

I walked down the Aisle and said I do, at 30 years old, so now, I stand here in 2023 having just hit two very big “milestones” in life. I turned 40 (yikes) and I’ve been married for 10 years.

I thought I had learned well enough in my first 30 years to not put expectations on life, on others and especially on GOD , however, I certainly thought things would go a certain way, that our family would grow in the predictable way, that we would be parents (for one). I know very well that giving birth is NOT the only way to have kids but one by one all the other options were crossed off too, and that is a difficult road to walk down. 

We changed over the last 10 years, both of us, in deep and profound ways. I know for a fact that we have walked through many things that have caused others to end their marriages and I certainly had times when I thought it would be so much easier to deal with all my crap on my own without having to put everything on someone else too BUT I vowed that day (10 years ago) that I would CHOOSE to love Tim for as long as we both are living, and I am lucky that he is also equally dedicated to the vow that we took. 

Choosing to love him has not always been easy, and though I can’t speak for him, I’ve not been the easiest person to grow alongside either. 

I learned a lot over the last 10 years about how to make a marriage last. Here it is - ready???

I learned that Love is NOT enough. 

It also takes trust and kindness, humility, compassion, empathy, patience, flexibility, compromise, forgiveness, selflessness, determination, passion, confidence, conviction.

It takes a willingness to let someone else see the ugly parts of you, and for you to be willing to see the same of them and not let that overshadow the beauty.

It takes learning to fight the RIGHT way - where the intent is to understand and communicate and not to simply win. 

It takes understanding that the way you process things, prefer things, experience, and communicate are NOT the only/right way.

It takes a lot of intention and consistency. 

And I learned most importantly, that my husband is not and will never be, and was never intended to be my everything. THAT is a role that can only be filled by God. 

I did not become anymore complete the day I married Tim (despite what the rom-coms taught me). 

I strive each day (and fail more times then succeed) to remember where my source of meaning comes from. 

And in conclusion, here’s to another 10 years of doing life beside my husband. I pray that God will continue to perfect his perfect plan for us individually and as a couple- I pray that wherever God takes us in the next 10 years, that we will continue to strive for deep authentic fellowship with God and each other.

One little puzzle piece 🧩

Puzzles are a wonderful way to pass the time, conversations happen easier around a puzzle then they do in front of the tv, and you can take your time or speed through it, the pace is up to you.

My grandmother is in the midst of some very challenging memory issues, for her, doing puzzles is a big part of her daily routine. Once they've been completed my mom pulls them apart and puts them back in the box, she pulls out a new puzzle. They rotate between the same dozen puzzles because grandma can't remember that she's already done that puzzle. But for her it's just about the process and the progress of placing a piece that fits, to feel success in her day that she can experience again and again I think in some ways, it may help with some really difficult things and all the ways that things are not fitting in her life right now. The puzzle represents something simple and predictable and safe for grandma.

I grew up doing puzzles, at grandma's house or in my own home, the thrill of searching desperately for that one piece and finding it finally. The order of how the edges get done first, then the big colorful "interesting" pieces and then the rest of the "supporting pieces " find their places and fill up the rest of the picture. 

For me, when a puzzle is done, I glue it together, to keep all the pieces together, and tack it up on a wall as the reminder of the work that went into putting it together. A beautiful puzzle is Art, worthy of display!!! 

I bought a lovely puzzle from the thrift store, the box had been opened and perhaps it had even been put together and pulled apart before going back into that box. 

This particular puzzle 🧩 was assembled by me and a dozen others, many of the girls helped, some who have gone home already. We put it away and pulled it back out for months, I got used to seeing the progress, slowly but surely the picture became clearer, until yesterday when every piece in that box had found its place.

But there was just one small issue. There is one piece missing.

It's on the side, in a spot that doesn't have a bunch of color, but it's still noticeable. I searched under the bed, under the couch, all the places we had assembled it but I found no piece.

I thought about it for a bit and then, I glued that puzzle anyway.

There are so many ways, so many times when life can be a lesson and the things we walk through can be a teaching opportunity. We search for them and hope for them and sometimes they just present themselves when we are just busy living.

I put it up on the wall in the relief room just across from the door, the first thing you see when you enter the room. 

And when they ask about that missing piece I hope it will start conversations about how it's ok to not have it ALL together, to not be "complete" that beauty and be found and pride in achievement can be had, even if that puzzle displayed on the wall is only representing 999 of its 1000 pieces .

I'm not sure if it was missing a piece from the day I found it at the thrift store, or if it was lost in one of the many times we moved it over the months but I think I actually like it better with a missing piece, I hope it will be a beautiful reminder to myself and all the girls that though we strive for "complete and whole" that falling short of that is not always a failure. 

 .

Hello Goodbye, Hello Goodbye, Hello Goodbye again

 The time has come again to recap the year once more. It's been 3 years since we started our job as house parents at sunshine acres and this third year was heavy with goodbyes.

I learned the art of loving and letting go at a young age. My parents did foster care so our home was always welcoming in new kids, and then eventually saying goodbye to them. However, just because it's a well worn pattern for me, does not mean it is easy, it hurts my heart every time.

We said goodbye to a few of our wonderful fellow houseparents who moved away and we said goodbye to many of the kids , Some who had been here since we started and many who had been here many many years before we got here. Hard, big goodbyes.

So why do it?

Why knowingly and willingly set ourselves up for heartbreak again and again? 

Because life is most beautiful when we face the hard things, when we go through the storm, endure the pain and survive. Life is so much better on the other side.

This year has also been a year of struggle for me, personally, relationally, physically, spiritually - many battles fought (some won but most still ongoing) and as a result I have found new strength and conviction, love and awareness , and it is the same in my work life, with these kids.

It is in the everyday struggle that we make an impact, that we leave an impression and show who we really are.

People come through the homes frequently on tours, here at sunshine acres, and I really enjoy interacting with the people as they come through, and answering questions.

One lady recently asked me what the BEST part of the houseparent job is and I told her that it is THAT MOMENT - when a kid stops fighting (maybe just for a moment) and realizes that they are safe here and loved here and after that moment, there is a breakthrough and the real relationship building begins.

She also asked me what the hardest part of this job is, I told her it was just normal struggle, the conflict between kids, the struggle of kids butting up again the structure of normal home life (chores and rules and such) , just normal everyday stuff that everyone deals with (times 10).

So I say Goodbye is worth it, because of everything that happens before it  - and hopefully we all end up better for having been a part of each other's lives, we learned something and changed a bit because of it.

My goals in this job (well and in life in general)

to be consistent

to be positive

to be weird and different

to show love through my words and actions

to be steady in the day to day and fun and goofy in the unexpected 

to be a listening ear for the rare moments when someone needs to let out some of the big emotions they are holding in

to pray at bedtime

to color 

to take pictures and videos

to make memories

to encourage and teach 

to be a MOM to these kiddos for as long as I have the chance. 

I don't think goodbye will ever get easier to say but that's ok

And even as I write this, I dread the next goodbye.

I thank God for the honor of being in this role - and being able to impact so many lives, at their most venerable time. I ask him to give me the wisdom, the strength, the courage, the patience and the confidence to do this job for how ever long he has me here.
And so - HERE's to another year

and to a lot of new hellos (and inevitable goodbyes)

Behind the Seen - photographer feature series

 This post is meant to outline the process and purpose if this series. 

1- the Number one purpose for this series it to create content

2- to feature the photographer- provide content they can use in their socials

3- to feature the makeup artist - provide content they can use in their socials

-HERE are the VIDEOs created for episode one- 

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both the photographer and the make-up artist get these videos in raw form so they can upload onto other social media that support video. the makeup artist also get's a dozen finished/edited photos that feature the makeup they did. 

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this is how the DAY goes. 

we start by getting ready- makeup and such and footage is taken during this time (of the makeup getting done and small interview with makeup artist) - Makeup artist is also welcome to come to the shoot at act as stylist if they wish (credits will reflect this) 

Then we record the audio version of the photographers interview as well as video (incase there is a need for it) 

we then head to the location (chosen by the photographer) and start the shoot- video/audio is collected during this process. 

Once the shoot is done, we all go our separate ways 

I receive the video/audio footage from my very talented videographer

we wait a few weeks to receive edited photos from the shoot (and a few of those edited photos are also sent in unedited form to be used in the video) 

I sit down and start to create the videos to then upload to social media. 

I send links to the photographer and makeup artist of the videos on youtube as well as a link to the google album with all the photos, graphics, and raw video links. 

This is a value exchange process - We do not pay the professionals for their work and they do not pay us for the creation of content - we each provide what we have in exchange for what the other can provide in return. 

I (Aileen) am the model for each shoot - for several reasons

1- make is very easy to spot the different styles in photographers since they are photographing the exact same person

2- shows the average person (who is also not a 19 year old model) what they might expect when working with this photographer/makeup artist

3- I don't have to check with the model while editing to make sure they are ok with the outcome of the footage because I AM that model 

4- I know the kind of footage I need/want for the content so it's easy to guide the shoot towards these things if it doesn't happen naturally.

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Currently we are just local (mesa/phoenix az area) but I do hope that eventually we can travel to other states (and maybe countries) in the goal of creating the best content for our channel (and for the professionals we work with. 

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if you would like to be featured in an upcoming episode as a photographer or makeup artist (or you have another way you would like to work with us, please contact me via facebook or email) 

email - aileenrstrong@gmail.com

facebook - https://www.facebook.com/aileen.strong