The heart of a mother

 Why don't you have kids of your own? 

Do you want kids? 

When are you going to have kids?

These are some of the questions I get from well intentioned people.

And the answer is long and complicated, as it usually is for any 40 year old childless women, especially if she is married.

I guess you could say I have all the raw materials to make a great mom. I was raised in a home that welcomed in foster kids. My parents were present and hands on. My first job was babysitting and from there I went on to work in home daycare with my mom, then a temporary vacation nanny agency, a few typical nanny jobs, 2 decades as a youth leader in my churches and now I'm about to start working my second houseparent job alongside my husband.

I always thought I would adopt, I felt that was the call that God gave me, I never longed to be pregnant like other girls, and while I like a squishy newborn as much as anyone, babies are just not my jam, and when I met my husband, he echoed similar feelings, I always thought we would adopt a few kids and be a family in that typical kind of way, but God had other plans.

Jace and Grace, those are the names I gave to my heavenly children. The two little souls who's life began in my womb.

Both pregnancies had me so confused, I wondered if I had understood God incorrectly, but then when they both ended in miscarriage, I knew I had not. There was sadness, confusion, guilt, relief, anger, and even now I struggle to understand the feelings I have surrounding my two short pregnancies.

I know now, that pof (premature ovarian failure) was likely to blame, a condition that took years to materialize and even more years to diagnose and one I am still learning to understand.

I had just barely began to experience the “symptoms” of pregnancy with both,   I threw up a few meals for  “no reason” , the second time I realized I was pregnant just before mother's day, I sat in church that morning and placed my hand on my belly and wondered what would happen in the months to come, a few days later my body experienced the familiar feelings from my first miscarriage. There was never a sonogram, I never decorated a nursery or bought baby clothes, both miscarriages happened in the first trimester. 

God has a perfect plan for my life, I hope I have done an ok job of listening and following, but it doesn't make it easy, it doesn't mean I don't grieve the life I thought I would have, or that I don't long to have someone call me mom.

I have done all the mom stuff, over the years, but just with other people's children, ones that belong to me only for a moment. 

I know my story is not over, I could live another 40 years and maybe there is another bend in the road that will lead me to children who I can call my own, but maybe not. 

Perhaps my sweet kitties will be the only babies who I will “raise” and I do love them so deeply and thank God for the love he placed inside me for cats and kittens. I often ponder that on a very small and imperfect scale, the overwhelming love I feel for all felines, is similar to the love God has for us, his children. No matter the situation, no matter the life circumstances, no matter the choices made, broken or whole, God looks at each face, and feels overwhelming love. 

I look forward to heaven for so many many reasons, it is the destination we were all created for, but for me, beside the people I loved here on earth, who I can't wait to see again, I look forward to the day I will meet the two children that God raised in heaven for me. I can not wait to spend eternity getting to know them. They have lived a perfect life, free from pain and forever in the presence of God, in the most perfect place. 

That is my story, as of today. 

It was once prophesied over me that I had the heart of a mother, and looking back over the last 40 years of my life, I think it does a pretty good job of explaining a lot of my journey. 

A new Chapter

Ok. I have sat down to write this many times now and deleted the whole thing to start over. Why? Because I am going to get personal and venerable all while trying not to overshare. 

I was so afraid for the last few months, that the next Big Announcement from me would be to tell the world my marriage was over, after 10 years. 

It's been a really hard, emotional, stressful last 6 months. BUT I am happy to say that I am NOT announcing that. We've worked past the breaking point, we are being intentional and trying our hardest to communicate in real and honest ways. 

But we decided that our current fulltime job+ fill time ministry, with all it's stress and unpredictability weas too much for us in this season. 

When we first started talking about leaving Sunshine acres, we wrestled with it a bit because we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God was the one who brought us here and it felt like we would be giving up. However we know God would never ask us to stay somewhere at the cost of our marraige. 

And so, we began our search. Honestly we were mostly looking for tech jobs for Tim and I was planning to find a job when ever we landed wherever that Job took us BUT our path led us somewhere else. To another Children's home, which may sound like a bad idea if the houseparent job was too stressful for us but this one has a lighter schedule and a totally different set up and we won't be living on campus, so the job will be more like a "normal" job, and allow a bit more space to do what we need to do. 

I want to honor what we did these last 4 years, the life we built here, the friends we made, the community we were a part of. 

This place changed us in so many ways (for the better) and I hope we have made some kind of positive change to this place as well. 

There is honestly nowhere like it and there are so so many good things here, and so many good people. I will miss so much of it. 

I will miss. - driving a golf cart around everywhere, 

my hot tub, 

the food pantry and dining hall, 

the houseparent chats by the park while the kids play, 

the kids I've grown to love over the years, 

bedtime prayers with them, 

the ladies in the front office who are always happy to see me and ready to chat, 

the friendships I've built, 

I will miss the amazing Arizona sunsets, 

and seeing cactus everywhere, 

I'll miss living near a Jamba Juice, 

I'll miss being just one flight from my Oregon family. 

I'll miss the holiday get togethers with the family that lives here. ...

I want to thank each and every one of you who sat with me, cried with me and prayed with me (or for me) over the last few months as we walked through the tough stuff, you will never know what it meant to feel I was not alone in that fight. 

I can honestly say that God is working in our relationship in new ways and we are growing together, I pray this next chapter will allow us an opportunity to minister in new ways, to new people. And I welcome your prayers as we pack up our lives, say our goodbyes and embark on a new chapter.

As we move to St Augustine Florida, at the end of February, Pray that God will place the right people in our lives, and that we will remain open and willing to hear his direction and follow where he leads us.