10 year anniversary

 As a teen I dreamed of the man I would marry, I had all kinds of ideas of how our marriage would be and how our lives would go. I entered my 20’s eager and ready to meet and marry the man that God had for me. But I didn’t meet him until I was 29. 

I used to joke with friends that 29 isn’t old, but 29 and single is REALLY old, needless to say I was very ready to get married and start my “real” adult life. 

I walked down the Aisle and said I do, at 30 years old, so now, I stand here in 2023 having just hit two very big “milestones” in life. I turned 40 (yikes) and I’ve been married for 10 years.

I thought I had learned well enough in my first 30 years to not put expectations on life, on others and especially on GOD , however, I certainly thought things would go a certain way, that our family would grow in the predictable way, that we would be parents (for one). I know very well that giving birth is NOT the only way to have kids but one by one all the other options were crossed off too, and that is a difficult road to walk down. 

We changed over the last 10 years, both of us, in deep and profound ways. I know for a fact that we have walked through many things that have caused others to end their marriages and I certainly had times when I thought it would be so much easier to deal with all my crap on my own without having to put everything on someone else too BUT I vowed that day (10 years ago) that I would CHOOSE to love Tim for as long as we both are living, and I am lucky that he is also equally dedicated to the vow that we took. 

Choosing to love him has not always been easy, and though I can’t speak for him, I’ve not been the easiest person to grow alongside either. 

I learned a lot over the last 10 years about how to make a marriage last. Here it is - ready???

I learned that Love is NOT enough. 

It also takes trust and kindness, humility, compassion, empathy, patience, flexibility, compromise, forgiveness, selflessness, determination, passion, confidence, conviction.

It takes a willingness to let someone else see the ugly parts of you, and for you to be willing to see the same of them and not let that overshadow the beauty.

It takes learning to fight the RIGHT way - where the intent is to understand and communicate and not to simply win. 

It takes understanding that the way you process things, prefer things, experience, and communicate are NOT the only/right way.

It takes a lot of intention and consistency. 

And I learned most importantly, that my husband is not and will never be, and was never intended to be my everything. THAT is a role that can only be filled by God. 

I did not become anymore complete the day I married Tim (despite what the rom-coms taught me). 

I strive each day (and fail more times then succeed) to remember where my source of meaning comes from. 

And in conclusion, here’s to another 10 years of doing life beside my husband. I pray that God will continue to perfect his perfect plan for us individually and as a couple- I pray that wherever God takes us in the next 10 years, that we will continue to strive for deep authentic fellowship with God and each other.

One little puzzle piece 🧩

Puzzles are a wonderful way to pass the time, conversations happen easier around a puzzle then they do in front of the tv, and you can take your time or speed through it, the pace is up to you.

My grandmother is in the midst of some very challenging memory issues, for her, doing puzzles is a big part of her daily routine. Once they've been completed my mom pulls them apart and puts them back in the box, she pulls out a new puzzle. They rotate between the same dozen puzzles because grandma can't remember that she's already done that puzzle. But for her it's just about the process and the progress of placing a piece that fits, to feel success in her day that she can experience again and again I think in some ways, it may help with some really difficult things and all the ways that things are not fitting in her life right now. The puzzle represents something simple and predictable and safe for grandma.

I grew up doing puzzles, at grandma's house or in my own home, the thrill of searching desperately for that one piece and finding it finally. The order of how the edges get done first, then the big colorful "interesting" pieces and then the rest of the "supporting pieces " find their places and fill up the rest of the picture. 

For me, when a puzzle is done, I glue it together, to keep all the pieces together, and tack it up on a wall as the reminder of the work that went into putting it together. A beautiful puzzle is Art, worthy of display!!! 

I bought a lovely puzzle from the thrift store, the box had been opened and perhaps it had even been put together and pulled apart before going back into that box. 

This particular puzzle 🧩 was assembled by me and a dozen others, many of the girls helped, some who have gone home already. We put it away and pulled it back out for months, I got used to seeing the progress, slowly but surely the picture became clearer, until yesterday when every piece in that box had found its place.

But there was just one small issue. There is one piece missing.

It's on the side, in a spot that doesn't have a bunch of color, but it's still noticeable. I searched under the bed, under the couch, all the places we had assembled it but I found no piece.

I thought about it for a bit and then, I glued that puzzle anyway.

There are so many ways, so many times when life can be a lesson and the things we walk through can be a teaching opportunity. We search for them and hope for them and sometimes they just present themselves when we are just busy living.

I put it up on the wall in the relief room just across from the door, the first thing you see when you enter the room. 

And when they ask about that missing piece I hope it will start conversations about how it's ok to not have it ALL together, to not be "complete" that beauty and be found and pride in achievement can be had, even if that puzzle displayed on the wall is only representing 999 of its 1000 pieces .

I'm not sure if it was missing a piece from the day I found it at the thrift store, or if it was lost in one of the many times we moved it over the months but I think I actually like it better with a missing piece, I hope it will be a beautiful reminder to myself and all the girls that though we strive for "complete and whole" that falling short of that is not always a failure. 

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Hello Goodbye, Hello Goodbye, Hello Goodbye again

 The time has come again to recap the year once more. It's been 3 years since we started our job as house parents at sunshine acres and this third year was heavy with goodbyes.

I learned the art of loving and letting go at a young age. My parents did foster care so our home was always welcoming in new kids, and then eventually saying goodbye to them. However, just because it's a well worn pattern for me, does not mean it is easy, it hurts my heart every time.

We said goodbye to a few of our wonderful fellow houseparents who moved away and we said goodbye to many of the kids , Some who had been here since we started and many who had been here many many years before we got here. Hard, big goodbyes.

So why do it?

Why knowingly and willingly set ourselves up for heartbreak again and again? 

Because life is most beautiful when we face the hard things, when we go through the storm, endure the pain and survive. Life is so much better on the other side.

This year has also been a year of struggle for me, personally, relationally, physically, spiritually - many battles fought (some won but most still ongoing) and as a result I have found new strength and conviction, love and awareness , and it is the same in my work life, with these kids.

It is in the everyday struggle that we make an impact, that we leave an impression and show who we really are.

People come through the homes frequently on tours, here at sunshine acres, and I really enjoy interacting with the people as they come through, and answering questions.

One lady recently asked me what the BEST part of the houseparent job is and I told her that it is THAT MOMENT - when a kid stops fighting (maybe just for a moment) and realizes that they are safe here and loved here and after that moment, there is a breakthrough and the real relationship building begins.

She also asked me what the hardest part of this job is, I told her it was just normal struggle, the conflict between kids, the struggle of kids butting up again the structure of normal home life (chores and rules and such) , just normal everyday stuff that everyone deals with (times 10).

So I say Goodbye is worth it, because of everything that happens before it  - and hopefully we all end up better for having been a part of each other's lives, we learned something and changed a bit because of it.

My goals in this job (well and in life in general)

to be consistent

to be positive

to be weird and different

to show love through my words and actions

to be steady in the day to day and fun and goofy in the unexpected 

to be a listening ear for the rare moments when someone needs to let out some of the big emotions they are holding in

to pray at bedtime

to color 

to take pictures and videos

to make memories

to encourage and teach 

to be a MOM to these kiddos for as long as I have the chance. 

I don't think goodbye will ever get easier to say but that's ok

And even as I write this, I dread the next goodbye.

I thank God for the honor of being in this role - and being able to impact so many lives, at their most venerable time. I ask him to give me the wisdom, the strength, the courage, the patience and the confidence to do this job for how ever long he has me here.
And so - HERE's to another year

and to a lot of new hellos (and inevitable goodbyes)

Year number 2- recap of this last year as a House parent

 The time has come again to pull back the curtain and let you peek into the life I live as a relief house parent at sunshine acres children's home. this month marks our 2 year anniversary of working here :) 

Normal life has returned as covid steps back, to take its place in history. We've had ALOT of things change in the last year. We are still relief, which means we go into any and all houses when needed BUT our main house (the one we are in at least two days of each week) changed. We are still in a girls house but instead of PV , WH now calls us their relief and we had a wonderful year working alongside a couple that became great friends and role models to us. That couple moved up into other positions and out of the home so now we are working with a new couple, working on establishing a new kind of normalcy in the home. 

We used to have Wed-Thurs as our "weekend" and with the move to a new house we moved to Mon-Tues as our "weekend" and then recently we swapped it out to REAL weekends off :)  which has been wonderful because it means that we have been able to start attending a church off-campus which was something I desperately missed, and it's been wonderful.

Personally this year has been a little harder for me, to see the drastic difference in the life we live, compared to the life I had always planned to live. I thought that at this age (I'll turn 39 next week) I would have adopted a few kids. and while I am 100% invested in the path God has me (us) on, it is a constant reminder to trust that he knows best. 

My cats provide constant joy to me as well as entertainment and the kids I work with, who I really do love, they provide an ever changing list of qualities into my life. 

I am "mom" for a moment (when I tuck them in at night or when I wake them in the morning) , when there is a bump or scrape that needs a band aid

I am a friend when the only objective is fun or when sound advice is needed amidst drama . 

I am big sister (or cool aunt) as they deal with the disappointment of a broken promise or family drama, because even though I'm not really family, I love them like family.

I am the drill Sargent at shower time (to make sure nothing but showers are happening while little bodies are naked!!!) 

I am a teacher when there is a lesson to be learned and something I hope they can remember for their future. 

I am a pastor during devotions or talks about God or bible characters and what can be learned and applied to our lives. 

I am disappointed when they make poor choices. I cheer them on as they try new things. 

I am excited when that report card starts showing the effort that's been put in.

I think I probably feel most of the emotions that a Mom feels as I go about my day, performing all the tasks I am required- but it's just a little different because I do so, knowing that they don't belong to me, that they are simply being lent to us for a while.

and when the time comes for one of these precious little ones (or not so little ones) to go home , for good, I am hopeful and worried. I pray and place them in God hands but I cannot help but think of them often and wonder how they are, and who they are becoming. 

We had a little one here for a short time, she was placed though DCS and going through the process of being adopted - this was hard for me to experience. She was not in "MY" house, but one of the girls houses we got to be in once or twice a month and she was a wonderful child. My struggle came from the fact that my whole life (from the time I was a teen) my plan was to adopt kids, and I didn't think that would be a part of this job (since 99.9% of these kids are privately placed and still belong to their gradians). 

I am happy for her, she deserves a wonderful family and

a wonderful life but it was so hard to love a child and then to know that she was looking for a family and then she was adopted- I felt jealous of that family. Most days I don't find it hard to trust that Gods plan for my life is better then my own plans but that week - that she was adopted, it was tough to let go of the dream that I would get to adopt and be a mom full time. I know that God can do anything and I know that maybe this is still a part of his plan for my life but it was eye opening to see how deeply it effected me. 

I do still find this job to be lonely, I miss the deep friendships I had in my life prior and I continue to pray that God will add that back into my life here, I do consider all my co-workers friends, especially the house moms but our social interactions are usually cut short or here and there while we are watching kids play or waiting for the next thing to start, so our focus is always split - there is no uninterrupted fellowship. 

I am still loving this job and can see myself here long term - I continue to pray that God will show me new ways to use the gifts he has given me- and to see ways I can contribute to this amazing community. I remain trusting God with my future - he knows my heart and he knows best.

In conclusion - I am so overwhelmingly blessed in my life - surrounded by beauty and miracles and so many people who's main goal it is to LOVE others. 

I learn and grow constantly here and I hope that never changes. Stay tuned for next years update :)