I think I am ready now, to tell you about this last season of my life.
Let me remind you that this season followed a season of being a houseparent at Sunshine Acres in Mesa Arizona for four years. My husband and I, we were ready to step OUT OF direct care but the doors were not opening. So when we found another job, "similar" to Sunshine acres, in Florida, we decided that it would be a good step, in the direction of getting back into the world of "normal" jobs that don't demand so much of us emotionally.
Let me also remind you that my husband and I do not have children of our own. I have a lot of hormone issues that have prevented us from conceiving children and when we started down the path of foster care and adoption, that path led us to Sunshine Acres, and we had no doubt in our minds and hearts that it was where God had led us. We Arrived in Florida March 2024 and immediately started our new job. Some things were familiar but there were some things that were VERY VERY different. First we started in the Older boys house (ages 14-18) and in this house the rules were known but not followed by the kids. Any suggestion that they follow the rules would result in us being cussed out. Still we were able to start to develop relationships with the kids but pretty quickly (within the first two months) it became a very hostile environment. Perhaps if we had just decided that it was ok to let the kids do whatever they pleased, and to speak to us any way they wanted, maybe we would still be in that house, just clocking in and clocking out and getting a paycheck along the way BUT we wanted our presence to make an impact on the kids in our care AND SO, we were moved to the Little boys house (ages 6-11) and it was a much better fit. BUT from day one (in all the houses) it was a very normal occurrence to have to restrain a child (to hold them still to prevent them from harming themselves or others) - and when a child is being restrained, they scream, cry out, yell, cuss, kick, spit, THEY FIGHT against it.This was VERY different from Sunshine Acres and very new to us as houseparents'.
Being that I am a smaller person and most of the kids (except our youngest) could easily overpower me, I was NOT a part of the restraints but my husband was, sometimes he would participate in several restraints a day. He was scratched, kicked, and accumulated many bumps and bruises. My job was to gather up the other kids in the house, and separate them from the very loud, chaotic, and often familiar chaos of the restraint.Sometimes they would cry as we sat together, sometimes they were trying to watch the scene unfold, sometimes they were amped up and trying to join in and be a part of the cussing and threats of violence that the child was spuing (which would sometimes lead to another child having to be restrained at the same time) .
I have strong opinions about how many times a child should be having these violent outbursts before they are removed from the group home setting and put somewhere that has a much stronger emphasis on the therapeutic side of things BUT my suggestions were listened to on a very shallow level. I spent my work days waiting, listening, watching for the sign that I needed to swoop in and pull kids away. I was trying my very best to minimize the additional trauma to these kids, they come from very hard places, they have piles of trauma inside them already, I wanted to prevent the accumulation of more trauma on top of the pile. What I didn't pay enough attention to, was the trauma that was piling up inside of ME.To see a dangerous environment, and not be able to take a child out of that.
To see a child in desperate need of DEEPER and STRONGER help and not being able to give him that.
To watch again and again as ANGER was chosen and VIOLENCE was chosen and to see a pattern emerge, to see a pattern being taught to this child, that this is NORMAL, it's ok, we will just go back to what we were doing before and pretend it never happened (my perception of the situation I saw again and again)
To feel OVERWHELMED , stressed filled my body, filled my mind, filled my heart. I was WEARY.
The incident that happened, that caused us to no longer be employed there, it was NOT OK, but it did come at the right time. WE are both ready to work "normal" jobs again, and even though it's been really tough financially for us, the time off (being unemployed for a few weeks) was really needed, we had a lot of stuff built up in us that we needed let go of.
We could both probably do with some therapy but that probably won't happen (because it's expensive and we are making a lot less money now...)
Hear me when I say, there were wonderful parts about this job too, times when we got to really spend quality time with kids, speak into their lives, teach life lessons- and the kids behavior (even the extreme ones )are not to blame, rather the failures of the higher ups to hear what we were saying from a place of genuine love and concern for the kids and to respond accordingly- that is what made it so difficult of a job.
We've both accepted new jobs. I'll be working retail (and doing reselling on the side online and maybe photography again for a bit, and I'm working on building up my online earning system and trying to find the right people to help me get that off the ground)
I'll start my new job next week. Husband got a techy job, which is what he was hoping to get back into, and he will start the week after me.
We will be moving into a different apartment complex on the other side of town and maybe we will actually LIVE a bit, make friends, do things on our days off instead of just veg and recover.
I have to trust that God is guiding us now, even when his direction doesn't seem as clear and direct. I will continue to dream big, create things, and strive to find purpose without a great big mission job. I do miss the boys, I wonder about them often and get little updates from co-workers who are still working with them.
I look forward to the building of new routines, meeting of new co-workers, and neighbors, and I will continue to tell my body that it no longer needs to live in constant fight or flight. AND I will enjoy sleeping in my own bed every night and not having to leave my kitties alone for days on end anymore!!!
Thank you to my friends and family for the love and encouragement you've sent my way these last few weeks (and in the months since we moved here) - even though we are far far from all our "people" we feel your support and appreciate it. And to the work friends we made (fellow houseparents') and the people at the church we've been attending- have helped us to feel less alone as we've gone through this whole season of transition.