I have a little Secret to SPILL

 Secret to confess

Nope, I'm not pregnant, so if you were reading this post hoping for that confession, sorry to disappoint you.

Ever since I left Oregon, in Feb 2013, I have visited my family once a year (at least) usually in the summer. 

That's 11 years!!! 

My secret, are you READY???

is...

 that I want to move back to Oregon!!!!!!

I know, I know, I complain about being cold in Florida, and Arizona, and I'm VERY VERY against being cold still 

(& so is my body, and my EDS joints) BUT so so so many of the people I love are there, and I'm tired of being so lonely.

I'm tired of being the far away sister/daughter/aunt/friend.

I long for community, with people who know me.

I want game nights and craft nights with my friends, I want to go to my nieces choir concert, go to karaoke, thrift and yard sale with Natalie and Karina. My once a year visit just isn't cutting it anymore. 

Video calls once a week with Mom and chatting on the phone with Natalie and Karina, and texting Joelle is NOT ENOUGH anymore. My heart and soul are homesick.

But I'm an adult with responsibilities and there are many obstacles that stand if our way. Mostly financial obstacles but also the practical stuff like jobs and housing. 

My husband is actually the one who started the discussion, back in October, when we lost our job suddenly and while we were in the mushy middle of limbo land. I didn't think he would ever want to live in Oregon so I never let my heart even consider the possibility. 

This confession is, in no way, an announcement, or a plan, just a strong, deep desire. 

I LOVE the beach, and I will soak up every moment of sand and ocean while I am here, I'll enjoy my job and do the best I can and maybe get to spend some time with Tim's family that lives a few hours away, while we are still here in Florida 

but my heart is elsewhere.

Maybe a year from now, maybe two, hopefully not too much longer than that.

Join me in prayer, that if it's God's will, he will move away the mountains that stand in the way  !!

SECOND HAND TRAUMA

 I think I am ready now, to tell you about this last season of my life. 

Let me remind you that this season followed a season of being a houseparent at Sunshine Acres in Mesa Arizona for four years. My husband and I, we were ready to step OUT OF direct care but the doors were not opening. So when we found another job, "similar" to Sunshine acres, in Florida, we decided that it would be a good step, in the direction of getting back into the world of "normal" jobs that don't demand so much of us emotionally. 

Let me also remind you that my husband and I do not have children of our own. I have a lot of hormone issues that have prevented us from conceiving children and when we started down the path of foster care and adoption, that path led us to Sunshine Acres, and we had no doubt in our minds and hearts that it was where God had led us. 

We Arrived in Florida March 2024 and immediately started our new job. Some things were familiar but there were some things that were VERY VERY different. 

First we started in the Older boys house (ages 14-18) and in this house the rules were known but not followed by the kids. Any suggestion that they follow the rules would result in us being cussed out. Still we were able to start to develop relationships with the kids but pretty quickly (within the first two months) it became a very hostile environment. 

Perhaps if we had just decided that it was ok to let the kids do whatever they pleased, and to speak to us any way they wanted, maybe we would still be in that house, just clocking in and clocking out and getting a paycheck along the way BUT we wanted our presence to make an impact on the kids in our care AND SO, we were moved to the Little boys house (ages 6-11) and it was a much better fit. 

BUT from day one (in all the houses) it was a very normal occurrence to have to restrain a child (to hold them still to prevent them from harming themselves or others) - and when a child is being restrained, they scream, cry out, yell, cuss, kick, spit, THEY FIGHT against it. 

This was VERY different from Sunshine Acres and very new to us as houseparents'.

Being that I am a smaller person and most of the kids (except our youngest) could easily overpower me, I was NOT a part of the restraints but my husband was, sometimes he would participate in several restraints a day. He was scratched, kicked, and accumulated many bumps and bruises. 

My job was to gather up the other kids in the house, and separate them from the very loud, chaotic, and often familiar chaos of the restraint. 

Sometimes they would cry as we sat together, sometimes they were trying to watch the scene unfold, sometimes they were amped up and trying to join in and be a part of the cussing and threats of violence that the child was spuing (which would sometimes lead to another child having to be restrained at the same time) .

I have strong opinions about how many times a child should be having these violent outbursts before they are removed from the group home setting and put somewhere that has a much stronger emphasis on the therapeutic side of things BUT my suggestions were listened to on a very shallow level. 

I spent my work days waiting, listening, watching for the sign that I needed to swoop in and pull kids away. I was trying my very best to minimize the additional trauma to these kids, they come from very hard places, they have piles of trauma inside them already, I wanted to prevent the accumulation of more trauma on top of the pile. What I didn't pay enough attention to, was the trauma that was piling up inside of ME.

To see a dangerous environment, and not be able to take a child out of that. 

To see a child in desperate need of DEEPER and STRONGER help and not being able to give him that. 

To watch again and again as ANGER was chosen and VIOLENCE was chosen and to see a pattern emerge, to see a pattern being taught to this child, that this is NORMAL, it's ok, we will just go back to what we were doing before and pretend it never happened (my perception of the situation I saw again and again) 

To feel OVERWHELMED , stressed filled my body, filled my mind, filled my heart. I was WEARY. 

The incident that happened, that caused us to no longer be employed there, it was NOT OK, but it did come at the right time. WE are both ready to work "normal" jobs again, and even though it's been really tough financially for us, the time off (being unemployed for a few weeks) was really needed, we had a lot of stuff built up in us that we needed let go of.

We could both probably do with some therapy but that probably won't happen (because it's expensive and we are making a lot less money now...)

Hear me when I say, there were wonderful parts about this job too, times when we got to really spend quality time with kids, speak into their lives, teach life lessons- and the kids behavior (even the extreme ones ) they are not to be blamed here, rather it points to failures of the higher ups to hear what we were saying from a place of genuine love and concern for the kids and to respond accordingly- that is what made it so difficult of a job.

We've both accepted new jobs. I'll be working retail (and doing reselling on the side online and maybe photography again for a bit, and  I'm working on building up my online earning system and trying to find the right people to help me get that off the ground) 

I'll start my new job next week. Husband got a techy job, which is what he was hoping to get back into, and he will start the week after me. 

We will be moving into a different apartment complex on the other side of town and maybe we will actually LIVE a bit, make friends, do things on our days off instead of just veg and recover on our days off. 

I have to trust that God is guiding us now, even when his direction doesn't seem as clear and direct. I will continue to dream big, create things, and strive to find purpose without a great big mission job. I do miss the boys, I wonder about them often and get little updates from co-workers who are still working with them. 

I look forward to the building of new routines, meeting of new co-workers, and neighbors, and I will continue to tell my body that it no longer needs to live in constant fight or flight.  AND I will enjoy sleeping in my own bed every night and not having to leave my kitties alone for days on end anymore!!!

Thank you to my friends and family for the love and encouragement you've sent my way these last few weeks (and in the months since we moved here) - even though we are far far from all our "people" we feel your support and appreciate it. And to the work friends we made (fellow houseparents') and the people at the church we've been attending- have helped us to feel less alone as we've gone through this whole season of transition. 

The heart of a mother

 Why don't you have kids of your own? 

Do you want kids? 

When are you going to have kids?

These are some of the questions I get from well intentioned people.

And the answer is long and complicated, as it usually is for any 40 year old childless women, especially if she is married.

I guess you could say I have all the raw materials to make a great mom. I was raised in a home that welcomed in foster kids. My parents were present and hands on. My first job was babysitting and from there I went on to work in home daycare with my mom, then a temporary vacation nanny agency, a few typical nanny jobs, 2 decades as a youth leader in my churches and now I'm about to start working my second houseparent job alongside my husband.

I always thought I would adopt, I felt that was the call that God gave me, I never longed to be pregnant like other girls, and while I like a squishy newborn as much as anyone, babies are just not my jam, and when I met my husband, he echoed similar feelings, I always thought we would adopt a few kids and be a family in that typical kind of way, but God had other plans.

Jace and Grace, those are the names I gave to my heavenly children. The two little souls who's life began in my womb.

Both pregnancies had me so confused, I wondered if I had understood God incorrectly, but then when they both ended in miscarriage, I knew I had not. There was sadness, confusion, guilt, relief, anger, and even now I struggle to understand the feelings I have surrounding my two short pregnancies.

I know now, that pof (premature ovarian failure) was likely to blame, a condition that took years to materialize and even more years to diagnose and one I am still learning to understand.

I had just barely began to experience the “symptoms” of pregnancy with both,   I threw up a few meals for  “no reason” , the second time I realized I was pregnant just before mother's day, I sat in church that morning and placed my hand on my belly and wondered what would happen in the months to come, a few days later my body experienced the familiar feelings from my first miscarriage. There was never a sonogram, I never decorated a nursery or bought baby clothes, both miscarriages happened in the first trimester. 

God has a perfect plan for my life, I hope I have done an ok job of listening and following, but it doesn't make it easy, it doesn't mean I don't grieve the life I thought I would have, or that I don't long to have someone call me mom.

I have done all the mom stuff, over the years, but just with other people's children, ones that belong to me only for a moment. 

I know my story is not over, I could live another 40 years and maybe there is another bend in the road that will lead me to children who I can call my own, but maybe not. 

Perhaps my sweet kitties will be the only babies who I will “raise” and I do love them so deeply and thank God for the love he placed inside me for cats and kittens. I often ponder that on a very small and imperfect scale, the overwhelming love I feel for all felines, is similar to the love God has for us, his children. No matter the situation, no matter the life circumstances, no matter the choices made, broken or whole, God looks at each face, and feels overwhelming love. 

I look forward to heaven for so many many reasons, it is the destination we were all created for, but for me, beside the people I loved here on earth, who I can't wait to see again, I look forward to the day I will meet the two children that God raised in heaven for me. I can not wait to spend eternity getting to know them. They have lived a perfect life, free from pain and forever in the presence of God, in the most perfect place. 

That is my story, as of today. 

It was once prophesied over me that I had the heart of a mother, and looking back over the last 40 years of my life, I think it does a pretty good job of explaining a lot of my journey. 

A new Chapter

Ok. I have sat down to write this many times now and deleted the whole thing to start over. Why? Because I am going to get personal and venerable all while trying not to overshare. 

I was so afraid for the last few months, that the next Big Announcement from me would be to tell the world my marriage was over, after 10 years. 

It's been a really hard, emotional, stressful last 6 months. BUT I am happy to say that I am NOT announcing that. We've worked past the breaking point, we are being intentional and trying our hardest to communicate in real and honest ways. 

But we decided that our current fulltime job+ fill time ministry, with all it's stress and unpredictability weas too much for us in this season. 

When we first started talking about leaving Sunshine acres, we wrestled with it a bit because we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God was the one who brought us here and it felt like we would be giving up. However we know God would never ask us to stay somewhere at the cost of our marraige. 

And so, we began our search. Honestly we were mostly looking for tech jobs for Tim and I was planning to find a job when ever we landed wherever that Job took us BUT our path led us somewhere else. To another Children's home, which may sound like a bad idea if the houseparent job was too stressful for us but this one has a lighter schedule and a totally different set up and we won't be living on campus, so the job will be more like a "normal" job, and allow a bit more space to do what we need to do. 

I want to honor what we did these last 4 years, the life we built here, the friends we made, the community we were a part of. 

This place changed us in so many ways (for the better) and I hope we have made some kind of positive change to this place as well. 

There is honestly nowhere like it and there are so so many good things here, and so many good people. I will miss so much of it. 

I will miss. - driving a golf cart around everywhere, 

my hot tub, 

the food pantry and dining hall, 

the houseparent chats by the park while the kids play, 

the kids I've grown to love over the years, 

bedtime prayers with them, 

the ladies in the front office who are always happy to see me and ready to chat, 

the friendships I've built, 

I will miss the amazing Arizona sunsets, 

and seeing cactus everywhere, 

I'll miss living near a Jamba Juice, 

I'll miss being just one flight from my Oregon family. 

I'll miss the holiday get togethers with the family that lives here. ...

I want to thank each and every one of you who sat with me, cried with me and prayed with me (or for me) over the last few months as we walked through the tough stuff, you will never know what it meant to feel I was not alone in that fight. 

I can honestly say that God is working in our relationship in new ways and we are growing together, I pray this next chapter will allow us an opportunity to minister in new ways, to new people. And I welcome your prayers as we pack up our lives, say our goodbyes and embark on a new chapter.

As we move to St Augustine Florida, at the end of February, Pray that God will place the right people in our lives, and that we will remain open and willing to hear his direction and follow where he leads us. 

10 year anniversary

 As a teen I dreamed of the man I would marry, I had all kinds of ideas of how our marriage would be and how our lives would go. I entered my 20’s eager and ready to meet and marry the man that God had for me. But I didn’t meet him until I was 29. 

I used to joke with friends that 29 isn’t old, but 29 and single is REALLY old, needless to say I was very ready to get married and start my “real” adult life. 

I walked down the Aisle and said I do, at 30 years old, so now, I stand here in 2023 having just hit two very big “milestones” in life. I turned 40 (yikes) and I’ve been married for 10 years.

I thought I had learned well enough in my first 30 years to not put expectations on life, on others and especially on GOD , however, I certainly thought things would go a certain way, that our family would grow in the predictable way, that we would be parents (for one). I know very well that giving birth is NOT the only way to have kids but one by one all the other options were crossed off too, and that is a difficult road to walk down. 

We changed over the last 10 years, both of us, in deep and profound ways. I know for a fact that we have walked through many things that have caused others to end their marriages and I certainly had times when I thought it would be so much easier to deal with all my crap on my own without having to put everything on someone else too BUT I vowed that day (10 years ago) that I would CHOOSE to love Tim for as long as we both are living, and I am lucky that he is also equally dedicated to the vow that we took. 

Choosing to love him has not always been easy, and though I can’t speak for him, I’ve not been the easiest person to grow alongside either. 

I learned a lot over the last 10 years about how to make a marriage last. Here it is - ready???

I learned that Love is NOT enough. 

It also takes trust and kindness, humility, compassion, empathy, patience, flexibility, compromise, forgiveness, selflessness, determination, passion, confidence, conviction.

It takes a willingness to let someone else see the ugly parts of you, and for you to be willing to see the same of them and not let that overshadow the beauty.

It takes learning to fight the RIGHT way - where the intent is to understand and communicate and not to simply win. 

It takes understanding that the way you process things, prefer things, experience, and communicate are NOT the only/right way.

It takes a lot of intention and consistency. 

And I learned most importantly, that my husband is not and will never be, and was never intended to be my everything. THAT is a role that can only be filled by God. 

I did not become anymore complete the day I married Tim (despite what the rom-coms taught me). 

I strive each day (and fail more times then succeed) to remember where my source of meaning comes from. 

And in conclusion, here’s to another 10 years of doing life beside my husband. I pray that God will continue to perfect his perfect plan for us individually and as a couple- I pray that wherever God takes us in the next 10 years, that we will continue to strive for deep authentic fellowship with God and each other.

One little puzzle piece 🧩

Puzzles are a wonderful way to pass the time, conversations happen easier around a puzzle then they do in front of the tv, and you can take your time or speed through it, the pace is up to you.

My grandmother is in the midst of some very challenging memory issues, for her, doing puzzles is a big part of her daily routine. Once they've been completed my mom pulls them apart and puts them back in the box, she pulls out a new puzzle. They rotate between the same dozen puzzles because grandma can't remember that she's already done that puzzle. But for her it's just about the process and the progress of placing a piece that fits, to feel success in her day that she can experience again and again I think in some ways, it may help with some really difficult things and all the ways that things are not fitting in her life right now. The puzzle represents something simple and predictable and safe for grandma.

I grew up doing puzzles, at grandma's house or in my own home, the thrill of searching desperately for that one piece and finding it finally. The order of how the edges get done first, then the big colorful "interesting" pieces and then the rest of the "supporting pieces " find their places and fill up the rest of the picture. 

For me, when a puzzle is done, I glue it together, to keep all the pieces together, and tack it up on a wall as the reminder of the work that went into putting it together. A beautiful puzzle is Art, worthy of display!!! 

I bought a lovely puzzle from the thrift store, the box had been opened and perhaps it had even been put together and pulled apart before going back into that box. 

This particular puzzle 🧩 was assembled by me and a dozen others, many of the girls helped, some who have gone home already. We put it away and pulled it back out for months, I got used to seeing the progress, slowly but surely the picture became clearer, until yesterday when every piece in that box had found its place.

But there was just one small issue. There is one piece missing.

It's on the side, in a spot that doesn't have a bunch of color, but it's still noticeable. I searched under the bed, under the couch, all the places we had assembled it but I found no piece.

I thought about it for a bit and then, I glued that puzzle anyway.

There are so many ways, so many times when life can be a lesson and the things we walk through can be a teaching opportunity. We search for them and hope for them and sometimes they just present themselves when we are just busy living.

I put it up on the wall in the relief room just across from the door, the first thing you see when you enter the room. 

And when they ask about that missing piece I hope it will start conversations about how it's ok to not have it ALL together, to not be "complete" that beauty and be found and pride in achievement can be had, even if that puzzle displayed on the wall is only representing 999 of its 1000 pieces .

I'm not sure if it was missing a piece from the day I found it at the thrift store, or if it was lost in one of the many times we moved it over the months but I think I actually like it better with a missing piece, I hope it will be a beautiful reminder to myself and all the girls that though we strive for "complete and whole" that falling short of that is not always a failure. 

 .