I read an article once (as a teen) about parents who prayed for their children before they were born, before the mom and dad even met, one even kept a journal of notes to their someday kids. I earmarked that article in my heart and never forgot it.
in the 15 or so years since I read that article I too started to pray for my kids. I decided early on (helped along by a dr who told me how difficult it would be for my body to endure and recover from a pregnancy due to the scoliosis i have) that I would adopt my kids, my parents did foster care, and I grew up knowing that there were children in the world without homes, without parents, even without suitcases (just garbage bags that held everything in the world that belonged to them) -I decided that I would find children like them someday and adopt them.
I wish I could say I remember the day I first prayed for my someday kids, I can say I remember sleepless nights (many of them) where I used my time to dream of, think about and pray for my kids and the difficulties they would face, and the life we would both lead before meeting each other.
In my 20's I even wrote out some of these prayers in my journals during my morning devotions, along with the desperate prayers of a single girl longing to find and love a man of God.
I found him, or rather we found each other, in my late 20's and at age 30 I walked down the isle and said I do. And we talked about the kids that would someday be ours, that would make us a family. We decided that since our kids would kids and not babies, and that they would most likely be troubled in one way or another (from the events that left them parent-less and in the foster system) we decided that we needed to be married for a while first. 5 years, so that we knew we had a strong foundation to offer our kids, to hedge our bets against a culture that says divorce is the best option when times get hard, to learn how to communicate, and compromise and be with one another before adding to our numbers.
That was almost 3 years ago, that I said I do. and it is not lost on me that now, 2 years away from our 5 year mark, my someday kids are most likely already alive, they have faced, or are facing or about to face the hard times, the part of their lives that will shape their views on this world, that will inspire high school essays on overcoming, the times that will birth insecurities and fears into their hearts.
My prayers for you my children have changed, they have become more pressing, more frequent and more personal. I don't know your names, your faces or your voices but God does and I ask him to watch over you, to protect you and to build into me the traits you will need in a mother.
I dream of putting together a pink room, filled with sparkle and fluff, of filling a closet with clothes and games, toys and treasures, of reading bed time stories and making barbie dresses out of old socks, messy painted canvas on my wall, Christmas and Easter and birthdays and Fridays with my daughters.
and my sons too (maybe, we will see) but daughters for sure.
I want to be there fully for you, in the middle of the day in the middle of the week so i'm working towards a career that will allow that, I don't want to have to go to work and leave you home day after day.
I watch my husband (your dad) with our cats, so tender and loving as the carries them around the house, as he sings to them and plays with them and I know that he will be a wonderful father, he is so steadfast in the way he works, and even in the way he plays (his love for all things related to board games). He is caring in a way that surprises you, and he is always there to help when i need him, sometimes before I ask. I know you will love him and that he will love you, someday soon.
And I have a wonderful family full of cousins and aunts and uncles, grandmas and a grandpa who will all love you so much. They might be scattered between states and separated from us by miles but there is so much love there, I promise that we will make the time to see them often, so you will know that you have a big beautiful family.
I pray today that God will protect you, that no matter what your day holds, that you have a hope in your heart for a better day ahead. I pray that you see the beauty in the sunshine, in the dandelion and the shadows. I pray that you feel love, from a sibling or family member, a teacher or a neighbor - that the fear you feel, the uncertainty that you face, is never bigger than the love you feel. I pray that somewhere in your life you have heard of Jesus and his love for you, that you can turn to him for comfort. And I pray that in some way, you can feel my love too, a love that has been growing for more than a decade (before you were born).
I want you to know that even though I may have missed your first step, your first words, your first day of school, that I don't know your favorite food or color or how you react to thunder storms, that I think of you often. That I see a mom in the store, with a whiny child in tow and I think of you, my someday children. That I see kids at church, singing and laughing and i think of you. I see my lovely little niece Joelle or any of my wonderful nephews and I think of you.
It might be a few more years until we meet. until we have a house big enough for more than two, until we start to search for you. But i want you to know that you are loved, so much, even in the unknown you are loved. I woke up today thinking of you and I couldn't shake it so I had to tell you and since I don't know you yet I wrote it here and I whisper a prayer.
I love you little ones.
Mom.
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