Sunday, May 30, 2021

the HEART of a mother

Every women's story is different. I will pull back the curtain and let you see a bit of my story.  A bit of an origin story (you know, like in the super hero movies.... how they got to be who they are) 

the HEART of a mother 

Many years ago (when I was 22) those words were prophesied over me, by a Godly leader that I trusted and respected. I had no idea what those words meant or how they would come to be so defining for me.

My womb has "held" two little lives that my arms never got to hold and I'm ok with that - I never longed for newborns like my sister did.

My story is a bit ODD.  I felt at a YOUNG age (17ish) that I would not birth my own children and then as life progressed and more health issues were discovered, I add to that initial "hunch" that I didn't need to pass on these health struggles. 

My life as a foster sister had taught me that blood was not a requirement when it comes to family. 

In fact, the very first time my heart broke was not from a boyfriend but instead from a quick and unexpected removal of my two little sister (they were foster sisters but we had begun the process to adopt so they were my sisters to me, and I had grown to love them so deeply - that I still have that scar today, 25 years later).

So - BOTH times that I found I was pregnant, I was perplexed and confused and wondered if I had misunderstood my "calling" and perhaps God did want me to go down that road, I struggled to find the "normal" emotions tied to pregnancy because I was so sure that I would never experience that in my life. So yes, there was sadness in both miscarriage's, but only because I knew that a life had ended, and a possibility had gone away. I do often wonder how different my life would be if either or both of them had lived. But I am not that women who wishes to be pregnant or gets jealous of friends babies, honestly I'm not a really big "baby" person anyways...

In my life I have loved many kids - worked as a nanny, in children's ministry and countless friends children's and my niece and nephews.

I am 38 now. I am a proud CAT mom (and they bring me more joy than I could ever express) and my job and passion project at the moment is to be a Relief house mom (alongside my husband) - I get to pour my heart into little (and older) kids who need it so desperately. 

I am happy that I get to be a "mom" in this little way, because I had such an amazing mom (and still do) who taught me how to love others in an effortless but intentional way. And though I don't have anyone who will carry on my family, and I'll never be a Grandma, I am content, I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be. 

My story is not over, I still might get to call someone my daughter or son - cause God is rarely predictable. But for now I will do my best to use this heart, the heart of a mother, that God placed in me.

I am NOT a mom, but that is ok


some photos - of me and the Kids I've had the privilege of loving over the years 


Me and Bobby - one of my two little foster sisters. (I was 15 or 16 here)

a baby I watched for a few days when she was only a few weeks old 

This is me and Wesley, one of my very first nanny kids - I was 18 here

Me and Lily - I nannied her and her siblings when I was 22.

and this is Rohan - I spent my afternoons with him for 2 years :) he was such a sweet boy

And this is Ailsa - I was her nanny in 2009 -2010 

And then Came Joelle - I've never loved a child as much as I love this girl - she is probably the closes thing I will ever have to a child of my own - she is my niece. When I moved to Arkansas in 2013 - it was HER that I missed the most (and still do) 

she has a brother too - but he was really little (6 months) when I moved so I love him too - but we didn't bond like me and Joelle did.

and then I got to spend 6 amazing years as a youth leader at my church in Arkansas

These two girls I babysat for the last year before I moved to Arizona - they helped me with my "i miss working with kids" phase :) 

and if you want to see photos of my current job - me and the kids - that is the post before this one :) 

I hope this post did it's job of explaining ME a bit more, and why I'm not a mom but why and how I have the HEART of a mother. 

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